I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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