I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
