the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
