If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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