My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
