I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
