i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
