it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
