Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
