i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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