He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
