I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i drank out of a bidet.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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