is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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