i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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