So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
