the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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