the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
