listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
