My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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