I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I have aggressive nipples.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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