i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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