Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
