She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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