so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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