My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
