when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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