i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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