dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
