before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
