you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
