Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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