nut hugger
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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