New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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