Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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