please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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