Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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