Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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