wrigley field is MILF paradise
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
