she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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