i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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