Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
