We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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