Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
