i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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