I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
