she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
