It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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