i just wanna soil my oats bro
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
