God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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