I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
