I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
