I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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