Jerry, you need to find god
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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