kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
