So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
